This One Time, in Band Class,,,,,

I woke up early this morning. Well, early for me. I have my first oncology appointment today, and as usual, my nerves were in overdrive. It was two hours earlier than I'd planned to get up but I knew I'd never get back to sleep the way my belly was churning. So I got up, took a look out the window. The sky was a brilliant blue back ground for the changing leaves. There was dew on the grass. I opened the window to a refreshingly chilly breeze. And music.

At first I could barely hear it, but within minutes it was as if they were right outside my window. The south side high school marching band was practicing in the street a few blocks away. I realized that there's a parade tonight. How could I forget that? It's my mom's absolute favorite, one she waits for all year. Before I went on the night shift, we would go together.

The marching band went into the school fight song, and it was like I was stepping back in time. I remember every detail: how wonderfully cool the air felt in the mornings, our band director, now retired, standing at the side of the road calling out anyone who wasn't in step. The awful polyester uniforms complete with tall, heavy, tasseled hats and spats. The cute blond boy who marched right in front of me. The young mothers on our practice route bringing their little ones out to watch. The excitement on parade day. In the days leading up to the parade, the band director would have everyone excused from their third period classes so we could practice longer. I used to get so mad - third period for me was study hall. I would much rather have skipped gym.

Listening to them, I started thinking, "If I could go back, knowing what I know now..." but really, what then? Say I did go back and talk to the flute playing freshman that was me. What, exactly, would I tell her? Live the next 27 years in fear because, honey, you will be getting breast cancer? Or how about, forget all your responsibilities and just have fun cause later, you'll have no time to just play? Um, no.

The thing is, even with this damn cancer that fills my mind with unsettling thoughts, wakes me in a cold sweat, and consumes my day with phone calls to insurance companies, doctor visits, and fear, I have a great life. I have a circle of friends who love me and are cheering for me every step of the way. I have a family who looks out for me, making us dinners and helping around the house and sitting in the hospital waiting for me to wake up from surgery so they can help me to the car and take me home. I have coworkers who send me cards and emails letting me know they miss me and are sending prayers. I have no doubt that by the time the snow flies, and my cancer treatment is obvious, I have neighbors who will shovel our driveway and take the garbage cans to the street. I have Walker who has been right at my side for every last step of this journey, despite his insane work schedule and his own fear.

Sure I wish I had never gotten cancer, but it's here, we're handling it, and soon it will be something I look back on, just another memory.

A Little Waterfall

Last week, after we visited the Moving Wall, Walker and I trekked across the park to the Friendship Garden. As soon as you go through the gates you come upon a little pond that houses several water features. This one is my favorite:



Check out other Watery Wednesday photos here

Baby Steps

On the day of my official breast cancer diagnosis, Dr C presented me with a book. I call it my "How to Not End Up Dead from Cancer" manual but that really isn't what it's about. The book presents information and resources for each stage: everything from how to tell your loved ones to treatment options to what to pack for the hospital to dealing with the after effects is detailed in that book. At first, I focused on the surgical options and the chapter on radiation therapy and pretty much ignored the rest. Last weekend, I stopped avoiding and read.

The section on chemotherapy was hard to get through. For one thing, I haven't fully come to terms with it. I feel fantastic ~ it's hard to make myself believe that I need this treatment that will make me sicker than I have ever been in order to get better. How do I get better than fantastic? Mostly, I think I'm just plain scared of the whole thing. I imagine that's normal but it sure doesn't feel good. I had to read a page or two, do something else for awhile, read another page or two, do something else, yada yada yada. I did get through the whole chapter eventually.

One of the things the book advises is a dental checkup, to make sure you don't need any work done during treatment. Chemo wipes out a lot of your natural immune system. Dental work can release all kinds of bacteria into your bloodstream that your body won't have the resources to fight off. So they suggest you go in for a dental check right away and take care of any necessary issues before you start chemo. I figured I could do that now, while I'm still on medical leave.

Well, I called the dentist today but the receptionist I spoke with didn't seem to know anything about having a checkup before chemo. She's been there for years ~ am I really the first client who asked for a pre-chemo checkup? She did make an appointment for me, so I guess I'll see what the dentist has to say when I get there.

Since I was on a roll, I also called my favorite hair salon and made an appointment to get my hair cut. I spoke directly with my stylist. When she heard that I was most likely going to have chemo she told me she's help me come up with a plan to transition to short hair over the next couple weeks. She was very sweet about the whole thing ~ she didn't make me feel silly for not wanting to lose my hair. She also told me that the salon has a private wig studio in their lower level. I've gone there for years and never knew that.

I'm glad I finally read the book. I always feel better when I know what I'm up against. I'm glad I found some things that I can do, now, instead of just sitting here waiting.

I Stand Corrected

Guess I was wrong - you can get "wigs" for eye brows. Who knew?

An Outing

Today I asked Walker to drive me downtown to my favorite park. The weather was cold, very windy, with a promise of rain. We went anyway.

There was a special reason why I wanted to go to the park today: the Moving Wall, a half-size traveling replica of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall was set up there. We wanted to pay our respects.

I've never been to Washington, DC. Never viewed the Memorial. I don't know anyone who died in Vietnam. Regardless, the visiting the Moving Wall was an emotional experience. As we walked along the memorial, reading name after name after name.....it was surreal. Knowing that every one of those 58,195 names represented a life lost, a family devastated, was almost too much.

I was planning to take photos of the Wall but somehow, in that setting, it just didn't feel right. Members of several veterans' groups were on hand and, I don't know, it felt almost like taking photos at a funeral or something. So I googled the wall and found this photo. If you ever get a chance to visit the Memorial in DC, or view the Moving Wall, please take the time to do so. And bring your Kleenex.

photo by Susan Parker

Ten Day Update

It's been ten days since my surgery. The incision is healing really well. There's no drainage. I can wear a normal bra. I can pull a t-shirt on over my head. I still have quite a bit of discomfort in my pit from the nerve trauma that occurred when my lymph nodes were removed, but no swelling that I can see. This morning, I woke for the first time since surgery with no swelling in my hand and no pain in my arm.

The girls....well, kudos to Dr C. The healthy breast is a little more round than the healing breast, but when I'm dressed I can't see a difference in them. When I'm not dressed the healing breast has a bit of a flatter side, toward my armpit. I don't know if there's some swelling under the skin yet, but right now, I don't feel like I'll need any enhancement to balance things out. I considered posting photos, in case anyone else going through this would benefit from seeing actual documentation. The books I have feature lovely line drawings that don't really help outside of the technical aspect. But breast cancer is part of my life, not my whole life. This blog is my outlet for several of my interests. So I decided against photos.

I'm having a hard time getting used to the idea of chemo. I know that in the grand scheme of things, chemo is just a blip on the radar. What my dad would have called a speed bump on the road of life. Still, it's hard.

I don't like the idea of looking sick. I don't like not knowing what to expect, how my body will react. I want to know if I will be able to go to work, if I'll get puking sick, if I'll be able to have some semblance of normalcy. Everyone handles chemo differently. I just don't know. Not having a plan takes me completely out of my comfort zone.

And honestly, I worked hard to get myself back to a healthy body weight. I'm not quite there yet, but I've made great progress. I'm not happy about seeing that go down the drain. Chemo for breast cancer often causes weight gain. I get that chemo is necessary, I get that a few extra pounds shouldn't matter; still, it does. If that makes me vain and silly, then I am vain and silly.

And of course, there's the hair. Chemo lasts three months, but it will take years to grow my hair back. If I do grow it back. It's been long-ish most of my life. Maybe I won't want it long after this. I wonder how I'll feel six months from now when I run into someone I haven't seen in a while and they comment about me cutting my hair. Will I tell them I had chemo, or just say, "Oh, do you like it?" My eye brows and lashes will likely fall out as well. There are no wigs for brows and lashes.

Diva will be here this weekend. I want to talk to her, to get the inevitable conversation over with. I want to explain that even though I'm going to be sick for a while, in the end I'll be stronger and healthier than ever. She's the kind of kid that takes everything in stride, yet I wonder if all this will freak her out. Diva is the world to me. I can't help but wonder how my cancer will affect our relationship.

Booking Through Thursday

Booking Through Thursday
What are you reading right now? What made you choose it? Are you enjoying it? Would you recommend it? (And, by all means, discuss everything, if you’re reading more than one thing!)

Right now, I'm reading "Marrying George Clooney" by Amy Ferris. I chose it because I loved the title, and wanted to know more about the woman who is trying to steal my man. Okay, I don't actually know George Clooney. I know, right! Shocks everyone when I admit that. Anyway, would I recommend it? Well, I'm having a hard time getting through it so probably not, but to give Ms Ferris her due, I've been pretty stressed lately and would likely have trouble focusing on any book in my collection. What I don't love about it is what I usually love about memoirs: the honesty. Ms Ferris tells all, and I mean all, in ways that make me uncomfortable. Especially some of the bits about her mother. The "dressing room" passage just seemed to me to be way too much information. I don't consider myself a prude but I have to say, some things just don't need to be shared.