The People People

Right after school started, my nephew contacted me asking if I'd like to support his high school marching band by ordering a magazine subscription.  Of course, I said yes.  I signed up to get "People" magazine delivered, sent him a check, and waited. 

I'm still waiting.

Magazines purchased from fund raisers are notoriously slow to arrive, so I wasn't too surprised when fall turned to winter and I still hadn't received anything.  I did verify that my check cleared, but that was about it.  By the time the holidays rolled around, however, I was starting to wonder if something was up.  "People" did not have a record of me as a subscriber, but they urged patience as the fund raiser subsciptions are delayed for some reason.  After the first of the year, however, I'd had enough.  I started emailing.  It didn't take long for them to figure out that they had my address wrong.  Okay, it happens.  But that was two months ago. 

I'm still waiting.

It's become a regular weekly chore to email the folks at "People", but after the first reply stating that they had the incorrect address, they have not bothered to answer.  Why don't I call them?  Well, I don't have good luck on the phone with customer service folks.  They tell you the problem is fixed, but when it isn't and you call back, all traces of the conversation have mysteriously vanished from your account.  With email, I have proof.  Not that it's doing me much good.

Next week we'll hit the five month anniversary of me writing a check to People Magazine.  In celebration, I sent them an email.  In case you're wondering, this is the first one in which I got snotty.  I started out being really nice.  Then I tried funny.  Now we'll see if irritated gets their attention.  Here's what I wrote this week:

Dear "People" People:
So, it's now been almost FIVE MONTHS since I ordered my subscription to your fine magazine. At least, I believe it is a fine magazine ~ I don't actually know because I HAVE YET TO RECEIVE IT. I have contacted you several times and NO ONE GETS BACK TO ME, except your computer, which sends the standard, prewritten reply telling me I will have a response within two days. Um, you need to fire that computer thing cause the last time I emailed you was last week which, of course, was more than two days ago. So I think the computer must not be giving you my messages. Yep, we'll blame it on him cause I KNOW you would not just blow me off. I'M SURE you value your customers. Ahem.


Now, your may remember that the last time I emailed you, I gave you an out: just mail me a refund and we'll call it done. I'd actually prefer the magazine, but whatever. Just FREAKING DO SOMETHING, because this is no longer amusing. And, in case I have not been clear in my many other emails, I DO expect a reply. From a PERSON. Not a computer.

Thank you ~