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Monday, February 20, 2017

I Get By With a Little Help from My Friends

So how, exactly, does one climb out of a pit of grief?  Well, by leaning on those who love me, for one thing.  A few months after I lost my sweetheart, sick of feeling lost, I decided to reboot my brain. I thought the best way to do that was to go somewhere I had never been, with people I had never met, to do something I had never done. With that goal in mind, I flew to Pennsylvania to meet up with some online friends and participate in a mud run.  Yep.  Me.


While I throughly enjoyed my weekend out East, I knew it was just a first step.  Pretty much as soon as I got home I started thinking of another adventure.  And a few months later, I reconnected with two childhood best friends, girls I had not seen in thirty-two years.

It's a never ending battle, this grief stuff.  There was a time I thought it would never get better. But every day I find new reasons to smile, and every day I take time to think about the things in my life I am thankful for.  I don't know what the next chapters of my life will read, but I do know there is nowhere in the text that will say....she gave up......

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

And.....She's Back

Wow, almost three years......not intentional.  Shortly after that last post, a summer storm blew that nest out of the tree in my sister's front yard.  She found the nest and the babies and put them back in the tree, but the momma robin never returned.  I guess it's possible, the nest my sister found wasn't the same one.  Or maybe momma robin got hurt in that same storm.  Who knows.  Watching that nest and knowing the babies would die if momma didn't come back was pretty heartbreaking.  Shortly after that my life followed suit and blew apart, too.

Walker and I decided, after 11 years together, that we were better off going our separate ways.  Had we just done that and moved forward it might have been okay, but you know, life doesn't always fit together in a pretty package like that.  It took Walker eight months to find a new home.  Our "amicable split" became less so as the months dragged on.  Right around the time he found what would become his new home, I met a new man.  I can honestly say I have never "clicked" with anyone, ever, as immediately and completely as I did with this man.  Despite this, I told him straight up I couldn't date him until Walker had finished moving out.  So for the next two months, we got to know each other the new fashioned way, through text messaging.  And every so often, we would meet for ice cream.  It was the sweetest, slowest, not quite dating relationship I had ever had.  When Walker closed on his house and moved out, we were finally able to be a real couple.  And for four more months, things were just about perfect.  And then, on a cold, sunny Sunday morning, he died.

I have lost people I loved before, but I don't think I could have imagined anything quite and cruel and devastating as finally finding the person you believe you are meant to be with, only to lose them almost that fast.  I spent the next several weeks in a fog, barely sleeping, not eating, not even sure how I was able to function.  I know I scared my mom, and probably some of my other family and friends, too.  I lost so much weight my doctor ran a bunch of tests while I angrily insisted I was just fine, dammit.  The anger was the biggest surprise.  I never knew I was capable of so much anger.  I am lucky that in those dark days, I kept myself together enough to go to work, pay my bills, and keep myself out of any serious trouble.  To this day I'm not quite sure how I managed. 

And now, two years after that heartbreak......well, as the woman who should have been my mother in law always says, "My dear, we must accept what has been put on our plate and make the best of things."  A lot of grace from a woman who lost her only son, then her husband of over sixty years a few months later.  I am grateful for her presence in my life every day.  But still some days are harder than others.