Making Connections

A month from tonight I will be in the hospital recovering from surgery. I’m nervous, of course, but excited too. That probably sounds strange. Here’s the thing: I’ve been dealing with a very large uterine fibroid for a couple of years now and finally, I get to have it taken out.

Last summer I underwent a new-ish procedure that killed part of the fibroid. The idea was, the dead part would be naturally broken down and flushed from my body, making the rest of the tumor smaller and easier to remove. My insurance company, Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield decided that the procedure was unnecessary and therefore not their responsibility to pay for. They stated that I should have had a hysterectomy instead. Um, WHAT THE HELL???? You don't amputate your arm when you get a wart on your finger. This is a treatable condition. Besides, I don’t know who made Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield think that they have the right to decided that I don’t get to have children. I’ve been battling them ever since the day that letter landed in my mailbox. In the meantime, I have had to make payments on a very hefty medical bill. So additional treatment had to wait. The fibroid continues to grow, putting my fertility further at risk. I have to face that.

Some days, I look like I'm already pregnant. Other days I just look fat. I have no idea what size I will be when this melon is removed from my belly. I do know that it doesn’t weigh 42 pounds so I still have a lot of work to do. One thing I noticed was, as I wrote out my monthly clinic bill payment I had major cravings for chocolate. Thinking back on it, I realized that a few days ago when I spoke to a girlfriend on the phone about this very topic, I compulsively ate M&Ms the whole time. I bet if I tracked it, I would see a pattern between the tumor growing in my belly and the junk food I stuff in my mouth.

I know I eat when I'm not hungry. At those times, I usually reach for junk food. Making the connection to why I'm eating when I'm not hungry can only make it easier to say "no!" to the cravings. The fact is there are plenty of things to stress about these days. While I can't control a lot of what goes on around me, I can learn to control my reaction to it.