I'm supposed to be in bed. I have to get up early to go get my new car. I just got home from the office, though, and I know from experience that I need at least an hour to wind down or sleep just will not come.
It's 45* outside right now. The boys brought in my plants from the patio: a couple miniature citrus trees and a pretty good sized ficus tree that my neighbor gave me after his mom died. He doesn't do well caring for plants, so I'm trying to give it a good home. It's a beautiful tree and it loved my patio. I hope the cold spell passes and the tree can enjoy a few more warm days outdoors.
The cool weather makes it less sad to trade in my convertible. I know I'll be missing it next spring, when the first warm days arrive and I can't take the top down and soak up some sun. Ah, well. Someday I'll get another one.
Something happened today that I'm having a hard time figuring out. I'm not sure I can articulate it, but I'm going to try. I have had a goal of trying to lose some weight for a while now. I keep getting sidetracked, which I think is 90% mental at this point. Somewhere in my head I have the idea that weight loss equals illness, even though I *know* that is not necessarily the case. So I decided to slow down my goals to five pounds at a time, with a break in between. Kind of ease my way into a new mindset. I went for a walk today and while I was walking, I started to feel kind of lightheaded. I started thinking I should turn around and go home when I realized I was holding my breath. I let it out and talked myself through few breaths: slowly, deep breath, let it out, slowly, good, now do it again....The woozy feeling went away and I realized I was now feeling fear. I guess I held my breath the way some people do when when they try to prepare for something bad that they know is coming. Like a shot at the doctor's office, or that big drop on the roller coaster at the theme park. Only nothing bad was coming. At least, not that I can see.
About that time I realized that one year ago today I had surgery to remove four tumors in my breast. I keep thinking I have moved past this whole cancer thing but then I have one of these moments and I realize that something is wonky in my subconscious. The million dollar question - or maybe the five pound question, LOL - is what do I do about it? I really want to get healthy but I keep getting in my own way.